The Fifth Force

Modern physics textbooks refer to four fundamental forces – the strong and weak nuclear forces, the electromagnetic force, and gravity. It is surmised that these forces are all related in a fundamental way. The scientific equivalent of the Holy Grail is to find the set of equations which will combine all of these forces into one Unified Field Theory.

However, it is a little-published (but well known to all men, and most women) scientific fact that there is actually a Fifth Fundamental Force, known as the Mammarial Force. This is the force which irresistibly draws men’s gaze to the region centered below the neck and above the waist of women above the age of sixteen and below the age of….. well, there apparently is no demonstrated upper limit.

The discovery of this fifth force closely parallels the development of modern scientific theory, beginning from the mid-17 th Century and continuing into the 21 st Century.

It has been suggested that Sir Isaac Newton first considered the possibility of its existence. The ‘apple legend’ which is often repeated as part of the story of his development of his theory of gravitation is clearly a myth promulgated by later hagiographers. However, his notes refer obliquely to the effects of gravitation on the chest belonging to a certain Mrs. Mortimer, who apparently went to market every Tuesday. While his efforts focused on defining the equations describing the gravitational effects on said tits (to use the technical vernacular in vogue during that period), including ground-breaking work on pendulums, the visual attraction itself is clearly documented in his notes. However, Sir Isaac apparently did not yet identify this attraction as a unique and separate force.

It remained for Michael Faraday to establish the ground-breaking field equations which brought this force into the forefront of scientific (and prurient) knowledge. He is of course well known for his development of the equations describing electromagnetic fields. However, it was during the course of his scientific experimentations that a Miss Hermione Graetz happened to enter his laboratory in order to deliver a note to the good scientist. Her lab coat was astray, and Sir Faraday found his gaze instantly and irrevocably riveted on her bosom (as scientists were wont to refer to that region of the female anatomy in the late 19 th Century). Hermione – being the chaste virginal maiden that she was – immediately smirked at this latest demonstration of female superiority over men, and then pulled her lab coat shut, feigning indifference. She muttered some pleasantry about the weather and made her exit.

Faraday regained control over his eyeballs as soon as Miss Graetz closed her coat. However, for the remainder of that day and on numerous subsequent occasions, his assistants found him scribbling furiously in his notebook. For the rest of his life, he devoted considerable effort towards defining the phenomenon which he had experienced. However, he found that the Mammarial Field (a term which he coined) was considerably less easy to decipher (as compared, say, with electromagnetism).

He performed considerable laboratory experimentation – mostly late-night – with various subjects. He was unable to establish any correlation between the strength of the field and the size of the breast, its shape, or its consistency (though he performed considerable investigations regarding the latter). However, he did manage to establish a strong correlation between the intensity of the field and the depth of the shadow between the appendages, which he termed the ‘Cleavage Effect’. His last words, muttered to his biographer while on his death bed were, ‘The nipple, of course!’ Without his continued inspiration, though, his students were subsequently unable to capitalize on this revelation to make any significant further progress, and the work stagnated.

The subject continued to attract considerable debate during scientific conferences held in Europe (mostly during the evening over drinks). Speculation centered – or centred – around the Lorentz Transformations, and whether a new dimension should be added to account for the spatial effects. However, it was Albert Einstein who first postulated, in his ground-breaking treatise on Special Relativity, published in 1905, that the Mammarial Force was neutralized by the presence of a (female) relative. He further contributed to our understanding by demonstrating that, when a man is caught in such a mammarial field, time actually does stand still. His final – and perhaps least understood – paper on the subject presented his calculations regarding breast curvature, where he proved that it was not the breast which actually curved, but rather space which was warped by the mammarial field surrounding the breast.

The advent of quantum mechanics provided fertile ground for further development of our scientific knowledge regarding this phenomenon. Neils Bohr, in particular, demonstrated mathematically that there exists a certain minimum threshold, below which there is no perceivable attraction, but beyond which the gaze is irretrievably locked on the boobs in question. Professor Werner Heisenberg further deepened our understanding of this quantum aspect of the Mammarial Force with his famous Uncertainty Principle (i.e. ‘Is she or is she not wearing a bra?’). And Richard Feynmann demonstrated a graphical method for calculating the Mammarial Force using his famous Diagrams, whereby he showed that the strength of the field surrounding a specific mammary could be calculated as ‘the sum of all possible breasts’.

Recent cosmological investigations have shed new light on the subject. Stephen Hawking, noting that the shadow which causes the Cleavage Effect is strikingly similar to the dynamics of light entering a black hole, has postulated that once light passes the ‘event horizon’ in the cleavage, the gaze of the man becomes entrapped forever. Roger Penrose has speculated that the role of the nipple may be crucial – even the slightest hint of an outlined nipple has been calculated to cause a quantum leap in attraction. This effect has subsequently been demonstrated experimentally at the Large Hadron Collider at CERN, by blowing cold air over the sweater-encased chests of several female volunteers.

This paper presents only a bare outline of the scientific developments related to the Mammarial Force. (Note, however, that this writer would much prefer to contemplate a bare outline of an actual breast.) Clearly, there remains much fertile ground for additional theoretical and experimental work in order to further develop of our understanding of this mysterious force.

I for one volunteer for the experimental work…..

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